JUST IN: New York City woman carrying an extra ten pounds on her frame enjoys life to the fullest and finds worth beyond what she looks like. This shocking news hit the public earlier this week when Ellie, the woman with no thigh gap, ate carbs without feeling guilty. 

“It was a jarring experience,” says longtime Upper East Side resident who witnessed the carb-centered crime. “I went to get my usual avocado toast, no toast and there she was, enjoying herself with carbs despite not being stick thin.” 

(Fashion) Officials received a call later that day in which a victim described Ellie wearing a skin forward outfit that did in fact show an “imperfect” body. The gruesome event happened at the MoMa where the woman is said to have been “looking at art” and “staying to herself.” When asked to define what an “imperfect” body is, the eye-sore victim said “I don’t know rolls? Stretch marks?” BREAKING: Dinner rolls are out and so is Laffy Taffy. To avoid similar situations we ask all women to refrain from “living life to the fullest.” Anything that may cause your body to grow, mold, experience pleasure, or successfully take on life should be avoided. Experts are still looking into a way in which the above can be avoided while the female body takes part in repopulation. While working to grow human bones, flesh, and organs inside of the uterus please avoid stretched skin, weight gain, swollen anything, and sagging. But do create a perfect offspring. UPDATED: Experts are saying depriving yourself of needed nutrients and passing down ingrained body insecurities to said children may be the only cure…